Wow. This is a big step. I am about to reveal who I used to be, who I wanted to be, and who I am now. This is my testimony.

My name is Krystelle Scott. I am a month and few days shy of 25 years old. I am a proud Jamaican. Let me get straight to the point.  I have faced different “things” in life.

WHO I WAS … WHO I AM

Thing # 1: Hating my mom

Thing # 2: Sexual Abuse

Thing # 3: Lying & Stealing

Thing # 4: Promiscuity

Thing # 5:  Self-Hate

 

Thing # 1: Hating my mom
I hated my mother. Why? Because I never thought she was the “ideal” mother. My ideal mother should have spoken to me more intimately, spend time to know who I was as a person , and the problems I faced. She should have been my friend.

I remember when my period started, at 11 years old. Even though I read about it, I still didn’t know what to expect when it came. I didn’t feel any pain or anything, I just saw the blood one morning. I recall that one day I had picked up a panty-shield in the supermarket because it was black and looked pretty. So I went in the drawer and put it on. Needless to say that when I checked the pad at school later in the evening, I didn’t see any blood. Lol, foolish me didn’t consider the colour as the reason for that. So I discarded it. When I got home, my underwear was bloody. I didn’t wash it immediately as some men were working on the bathroom, so I left it. My mom came home and saw it and asked if I was having sex. I said no, and she asked if I was sure. To which I said yes. She asked why my underwear was blood and I told her I didn’t know.  Then she said it must be my period. And that was it, she never gave me the “talk” about periods.

Proof 

I never forgot that, and I hated her for it.  This made me think what’s the point of being a virgin if my mother didn’t think I was. However, earlier this year, a friend encouraged me to talk to her about it. I didn’t still hate her but the hurt remained. In the end, she didn’t remember that conversation and explained that she didn’t think she needed to talk about menstruation as she had always provided us (her daughters) with little pamphlets to read about it.  Sigh…hate is a thing. So now, that’s resolved.

I acknowledge that my mother tried and still tries her best to be a wonderful mother in spite of the various challenges we’ve faced in life. She wasn’t born a mother, she learnt to be one, and while I didn’t get the mother I wanted, I got the mother I needed.  I see now that she made and still makes sacrifices for her children, and if I can be like her in some ways, it would make me a good person.

Now, thanks be to God, I love my mother and see pass my selfish desires that she is an excellent mother. I thank her publicly and privately for doing her best.

 

Thing # 2: Sexual Abuse
This part I’d much rather forget.

I was molested at age 11 by a man in the community. It led me to think that what’s the point of being a virgin if I wasn’t treated as if I was valuable.

Then, I was raped twice. I blamed myself for them. I hated myself because of them.  No matter what anyone said, it was my fault.  God helped me to deal with and accept that it wasn’t my fault.  I want to tell someone, if you were raped or abused, it’s not your fault. Yes, maybe you may have made some foolish decisions which led to the horrible end result BUT you never asked for it. The person had a choice, and that’s what they chose to do. Stop blaming yourself for something you would never have wanted to happen to you. Let God show you the truth, then you need to accept that truth so that He can heal you.

 

Thing # 3: Lying & Stealing 
Oh my  gosh. These two go hand-in-hand. Boy was I lie and thief. People say that lying takes time as you always have to remember the lie you told and that you had to tell another lie to back up the first lie you told. Well, I was so good at it that I didn’t have a problem remembering a lie. I could remember any lie as good as the truth, never adding or changing any part of my story no matter how long ago it I told the lie. Also, I didn’t have problems to formulate a lie. I could and can still make one up off the top of my head. Talk about professional lying.

I stole any and everything. From big to little, valuable to invaluable. If I wanted it, I took it.

Thanks be to God, I am no longer a thief NOR a professional liar.  I can still do them but because I am a Child of God, I choose not to practice them. If I find that I have lied, I tell the person(s) that I lied to that I lied, and if that’s not possible, I repent. Bottom line, these behaviours are a matter of personal decision. Choose to see people things and leave it alone. Choose to speak the truth. God will be glorified.

 

Thing # 4: Promiscuity 
When you think that you are not valuable, and that your body nor your virginity is worth anything, you become promiscuous with ease. This happened to me. When you hate yourself, and search for acceptance, being promiscuous is a means to an end.

But what people don’t tell you is that sex doesn’t fill that void. What people don’t tell you is that the more persons you have sex with, it’s the more you feel lost, hurt, worthless, and unloved. What people don’t tell you that although sex is an expression of love, it doesn’t count if it’s not between people who actually love each other. What people don’t tell you is that sex is just sex and can do more harm than good if done outside of marriage, a loving relationship. What people don’t tell you is that having sex for the wrong reasons can lead to depression, and suicidal tendencies.

For every sexual relationship that ended for me, it’s the more I felt broken, used, invaluable. And then I think that no one would want someone like me.  However, I am proud to admit that I was  promiscuous. Proud because I pray that my bad experiences can help someone not to do the same. Proud because I am able to tell someone who is promiscuous that God can change you and make you feel important, because to Him, you are priceless. Proud because I am a testimony that God can change your negative perception of yourself, your body, and your gift.

 

Thing # 5: Self-Hate
I hated myself because I thought I was ugly (and I was, maybe not on the outside but once your heart is ugly, you can only see yourself as ugly). My complaints were that: my complexion was too dark; my hair was too short and the wrong texture; my face was not beautiful enough; and I did not have enough curves. So, I hated me and my self-confidence/esteem was LOW, really low. When my mom told me that I was pretty, I didn’t believe her, as I said parents are supposed to lie to you. Lol smh. Anway, watching too many foreign tv shows/movies can only place the wrong idea in your mind of what beauty is and what it means to be beautiful.

I can even recall that I used to say how much I hated myself. I didn’t feel like I was good enough. This led to various things which in turn confirmed to me that I wasn’t good enough no matter how I tried. When you hate yourself, you don’t see a purpose for living.  But God.  But God. He created me with a purpose. He created me with love. God, my Daddy, helped me to love myself regardless of my past. He showed me how to love myself even though I used to hate my mother and others, even though I was a thief and liar, even though I was promiscuous, even though I was sexually abused….even though I felt ugly, worthless, broken, and used…God taught me to love ME.  To love me for who I was and who I am now. To love me for the lessons I have learnt. To love me simply because He loved me first and sent His only begotten son to die for me.

Transformed…God is still working on me 

So today, I came to work to see a message on FB from a friend. This is the message:

Friend: Hi my dear. . . I saw you in Kingston the other day and it is with a sense of intrepidity that I say this; you are indeed a beautiful young woman and the lord is only perfecting you for his glory. Stand strong, be resolute and the lord will work it all out. You’re nia. A woman of purpose. May the lord bless you and may be guide you. I preaching second Sunday of next month, pass through man.

Me: Thank you. May the Lord bless you for being obedient and saying what was laid on your heart. All the best on that Sunday, will keep you in my prayers. My heart was blessed. 

Friend: It was such a blessing when I saw you. It shows how much the lord has done. You are the epitome of God’s unending love. Forgive me but to find someone who accentuates the love of God as much as you do; its amazing! You gave me hope. . . Krystelle trust me you’re an awesome figure.

Me: Thank you, so much. I am honoured that His glory and love is seen through me
Friend: Amen…. I never actually thought young women like you still existed.
Me: Uk, i would love to see what u saw.
Friend: I am not sure where you were coming from, but, I was in the JUTC bus and you walked across the front. Clearly, I saw you, but, I guess the gift of discernment kicked in and I saw beyond the realm of your physical appearance.
Me: Oh wow. Bless the Lord.

This came at a point when I am feeling broken, hurt, alone, unworthy.  I do not share this to boast but rather to encourage someone. I want to encourage you that God never sees nor thinks of you as you see/think about yourself. I want to encourage you that you are loved by God so much more than you think. I want to remind you that you were created for a purpose.

God changed me. No longer am I Krystelle, which means ice…cold…frozen.  I am Nia, I am a woman of purpose.

Advertisements