THE CHILD I DIDN’T WANT BUT LOVE SO MUCH

On Monday March 3, 2014, I gave birth to my oldest England Campbell. She was 3 pounds 15 oz to be exact. I was nervous, my mind was racing and to top it off, I had preeclampsia. For those who aren’t familiar with preeclampsia, your blood pressure rises and in my case I was stroke/seizure risk. Never in a million years did I think that I would ever go through something so traumatic. I was on so many medications and water pills that I hated the taste of water. The doctors were able to stabilize my blood pressure and then I received my discharge papers, but I was unhappy. I was unhappy because I couldn’t take my little bundle of joy home with me. I remember going to the NICU and seeing her small body in the incubator. I was able to give her a kiss and head home in which I cried the entire ride. The thought of someone moving in your stomach for 9 months, feeling every kick and turn and you finally see their face and can’t take them with you, I was broken. Thankfully I had my husband there for support, but my daughter stayed on my mind until 3 days later. I received a call from NICU saying that England was ready to come home. I remember leaping for joy and shedding tears of happiness. Not even the snow storm that I had to drive through could keep me from grabbing my love bug.

Five months into motherhood, everything was great! The daily routine we had worked perfectly. I knew what time to feed her, what time to bathe her, the time when she started to get restless and finally the time to put her to sleep. Everything I believed I needed to know about being a first time mom, I mastered it. Since I had such a horrific experience delivering her, I was still on blood pressure medicine but I didn’t let that slow me down. I knew that it took time for things to get back to normal so I didn’t trip.

On August 7, 2014 my husband and I decided to take a small trip to Cedar Point. We figured the grandparents could watch England while we take a mini vacation. We rode rides, shared laughs and enjoyed each other’s company. When we returned home, I began feeling a little sick. I started to feel nauseous and a little light headed, but I figured it was probably from being out in the heat the previous day and maybe this was the after effects. Two days later I was still feeling the same, but ignored it. The same feeling kept returning and I wasn’t quite sure why until I realized that I had missed my cycle. I didn’t panic because I knew I was protected by pills and maybe the pills had changed the way my body functioned. After much convincing, my husband suggested I’d take a pregnancy test. I looked at him like “you’re hilarious, I’m not pregnant and if I am, I am going to be mad”. My husband drove to store the next day after work and brought home a pregnancy test. All I could think about was going through pre-eclampsia all over again. The thought of my blood pressure rising to seizure/stroke risk scared me to death. I knew that my body wasn’t completely healed, I just gave birth to England 5 months ago. My husband said “Well, here’s the test”. I took the test but didn’t want to see the results because I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it if it read “pregnant”, so I told my husband to read it and he did. He said ” Bae, we’re pregnant”. When I viewed the test for my confirmation, I literally fell to the ground in anger, disgust, and in full hated of my current situation. My life was trying to get back in order, my body was still in the healing process, my husband and I were not financially ready for a second child and I felt like everything was ruined.

I then fell in the state of denial. For three months straight, I didn’t go to get a checkup because I didn’t want to face the truth about me being pregnant. I was thinking maybe this was all a bad dream and I hadn’t woke up yet. I was furious and wanted this baby out of me. I kept telling myself “I am a Christian, and I don’t support abortion”, but why did I feel like I wanted one?. I had a lot of thoughts in my head of how I could make my situation disappear, but reality always kicked in. I was 19 weeks pregnant, I felt her first kick and heard her heart beat. That day in the doctor’s office I cried. I cried because of how selfish I became. My doctor knew my situation and asked me about termination and I gave her a quick response

“No”.

The process of being pregnant with a second child while just giving birth several months earlier got easier for me. Her kicks and turns I longed for. Seeing her ultrasounds made me smile. I began to love someone that I hated.  March 30, 2015 at 5:18 p.m. We welcomed Eyris Campbell. I saw her face and immediately started crying. She held my fingers and wouldn’t let go. I then began to repent right in the hospital bed. I repented for having hate in my heart. I repented for not wanting to accept someone that God himself created. I then whispered in Eyris ear “I love you”. This child has shown me that I too can be selfish but that I need to appreciate every gift that God gives. Whether it be a child, a friend, a new job, or maybe even suffering for his sake. I thank God for his forgiveness and His love that covers a multitude of sins. For now I know that I didn’t plan my parenthood but God did.

By: Ellyse Campbell

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Retrieved from: Saving Her Elegance
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